Author: Jon Gurule

Eight men showed up in the gloom for what was advertised as another Globetrotter world famous workout. As least a couple of pax showed up just out of morbid curiosity.

Before beginning, the PAX were given a choice:

Option A: Cardio

Option B: Strength

Gotham immediately led the charge for strength, proving once again that democracy only works when everyone votes for what Gotham wants.

After a slow mosey and warm-up, the PAX were introduced to what may or may not have been the baddest workout on the planet.

A brief history lesson followed.

At his peak, Iron Mike’s daily workouts included:

• 2,000 squats
• 2,500 sit-ups
• 500 Tyson pushups
• 500 shrugs
• 3-5 miles of running
• Neck work (bridges front and back)
• More training than most of us do in a month

The goal was simple:

Take Tyson’s insanity and scale it down to something that wouldn’t require EMS.

We started with group leg work for a total of 2,000 reps. Tyson did squats. We modified to any leg exercise because we’re not Mike Tyson and because several PAX enjoy walking without assistance the next day.

After each round we took a slow mosey while Tyson quotes were read aloud during the mosey’s.

The Pax favorite:

“Social media made y’all way too comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the face for it.”

Honorable mentions:

Break the body. Harden the mind.
“Discipline is doing what you hate to do… but doing it like you love it.”

“Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.”

“Protect yourself at all times.”

“The harder I work, the luckier I get.”

“Fear is your best friend or your worst enemy.”

“I train every day like someone’s trying to take it away from me.”

“I’m the best ever. I’m the most brutal and vicious.”

“Temptation for greatness is the biggest drug in the world.”

“You have to be prepared to die before you can be prepared to live.”

“Greatness is not guarding yourself from the people. Greatness is being accepted by the people.”

“Everyone you fight is not your enemy, and everyone who helps you is not your friend.”

“Social media made y’all way too comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the face for it.”

“A champion is someone who gets up when he can’t.”

“When you have something in life that you want to accomplish greatly, you have to be willing to give up your happiness.”

“I just want to conquer people and their souls.”

“I don’t react to a tragic situation. I respond to it.”

“Confidence breeds success and success breeds confidence.”

“You never lose until you actually give up.”

“Every punch starts with your feet.”

“Champions aren’t made in gyms. Champions are made from something deep inside them.

Back to the circle, it was time for 2,500 sit-ups. Knowing the ground was wet, the Q thoughtfully provided workout mats for the PAX. Most Pax appreciated the gesture, but Nancy Lopez, accused the Q of making the workout soft. The Q explained that, being from Arizona, he wasn’t entirely sure what the wet stuff on the ground was, whether it was poisonous, or if prolonged exposure would require a tetanus shot – hence the mats. Nancy Lopez remained unconvinced.

The workout continued with 500 Tyson Merkins.

The PAX chipped away at all the reps while a carefully curated Tyson playlist blasted in the background, making everyone feel slightly tougher than they actually were.

Just when everyone thought we were done, Tyson’s secret weapon appeared:

Neck Work.

The PAX rolled onto their six and attempted to hold their heads off the deck for two minutes.Two. Entire. Minutes. It turns out neck training is significantly harder than it sounds, especially for PAX carrying oversized craniums. Several men began questioning life choices. Others began negotiating with gravity.

Fortunately, Tyson’s famous shrug workout never materialized, allowing everyone to survive another day.

What We Learned

• Gotham can influence elections.
• Nancy Lopez considers comfort a character flaw.
• Arizona residents remain suspicious of moisture.
• Mike Tyson was either superhuman or completely insane.
• Neck muscles exist and can absolutely ruin your day.
• The social media quote still hits.

Most workouts end with tired legs.

This one ended with tired legs, tired abs, tired arms, and a newfound appreciation for Iron Mike’s level of crazy.

Closed with Countorama, Nameorama, announcements, and prayer requests.

Seven men showed up in the gloom for what has quickly become one of the Woodshed’s favorite highly questionable traditions: . . . running around before sunrise launching glowing arrows across the AO. Because apparently normal burpees aren’t enough anymore.

We opened with the traditional strategically slow mosey, followed by stretching and a quick class on:

• how to shoot a bow

• how NOT to shoot a bow

• and several reminders not to accidentally turn the AO into a medieval crime scene.

The disclaimer and safety briefing included:

“Range is hot.”

“Range is cold.”

“Please stop pointing loaded bows at each other.”

Nobody seemed overly concerned.

The Teams

• Futon & Crabgrass

• Trespass & Gotham

• Warby, Snooki & Globetrotter

The first volleys launched and glowing chem-stick arrows immediately began streaking across the AO like tracer rounds.

The mission:

• Fire

• Sprint to impact

• Three Burpees

• Recover arrow

Fire again until target is hit. 1st team = 1 burpee. 2nd team (AKA first place loser) = 3 burpees. Last team – five burpees

Simple in theory.

Absolute chaos in execution.

Notable Events

Gotham & Trespass came out HOT

They stacked a couple quick target wins early and Gotham immediately began talking trash…while holding his bow completely upside down.

Confidence remained high despite several concerns from the observing community.

At one point PAX were forced to navigate a busy street while launching arrows across the street. 

Nothing gets the heart rate up quite like:

• moving traffic

• darkness

• and grown men chasing glowing projectiles playing Frogger across intersections.

Search & Rescue Operations

Warby, Snooki, and Globetrotter spent an unreasonable amount of time conducting what became a full-scale arrow recovery operation. At one point the missing arrow was discussed like:

• a lost child

• government property

• or buried treasure.

Globetrotter delivered the undisputed shot of the morning: absolutely drilling a mailbox from a completely stupid distance which would have been awesome if he was actually aiming at it. 

Lessons learned

• Trash talk is more effective when your bow is facing the correct direction

• Busy roads increase cardio output significantly

• Finding arrows burns more calories than shooting them

• Brotherhood > accuracy

• Glowing arrows make bad decisions easier to track

Takeaway

Most AOs spend Wednesday mornings doing merkins and SSH. The Woodshed spent the morning preparing for the collapse of civilization armed with glowing arrows, tactical confusion, and a stupid amount of burpees. Honestly… felt pretty efficient.

Closed with Countorama, Nameorama, announcements, and prayer requests.

Six men showed up in the gloom with no coupons in sight… just bows, arrows (tipped with lighted chem sticks), and a bad feeling about where this was headed.

We opened with a strategically slow mosey (Excel already managing energy output), followed by stretching and what may have been the most important evolution of the morning:

The Archery Disclaimer & Safety Briefing

“Range is hot.”

“Range is cold.”

“Don’t shoot each other.”

“Yell “fore” before shooting each other”. 

• Gotham nodded like he’d heard this before.
• Snooki looked concerned.
• Trespass was already scanning for shortcuts.
• Futon was wondering where he could take a nap at.

The  beat down Begins:

PAX split into 3 teams of 2 and launched the first volley of arrows lighting up the AO — glow sticks streaking across the sky like tracer rounds.

From there:

• Sprint to your arrow
• 3 burpees at impact
• Regroup
• Shoot again until target is hit

1st team  to hit the target 

-1 burpee

2nd team (AKA – 1st place losers) to hit the target:

-3 burpees

3rd team to hit the target

-5 burpees (sucks to lose)

Winners called out the next target. Rinse and repeat. 

Notable Events (aka the highlight reel)

• Trespass attempted a “tactical shortcut”… and successfully navigated his team directly into the woods and temporarily off-grid
• One team (names withheld to protect the guilty… looking at you, Snooki ) struggled with the basic concept of how to shoot a bow and arrow
• Excel stayed methodical, likely tracking all his misses in a mental spreadsheet
• Gotham operated like a man who’s seen worse — calm, steady, and mildly disappointed in the rest of us
• The younger PAX applied pressure early and often, proving once again that youth + cardio = bad news for the rest of us
• Multiple allegations of intentional targeting were raised, but there were no confirmed hits. Although there were several suspiciously close “near-misses.”

We’ll call it controlled chaos. 

What We Learned:

• Accuracy saves burpees
• Shortcuts lead to the woods
• Not everyone earned an archery merit badge
• Glow sticks make bad shots easier to track
• Brotherhood > accuracy

Takeaway:

This wasn’t about perfect shots or clean wins. It was about showing up, doing something different, and pushing each other through a workout none of us will forget (mostly because we were all grown men running all around the AO like a bunch of little school kids literally chasing something shiny. 

Most AO’s do a beat down at 0530. This week the Woodshed prepared for the zombie apocalypse with a stupid amount of burpees thrown in for good measure. 

Closed with countorama, nameorama, announcements and prayer. 

Cold Exposure Edition (Apparently This Is Virginia)

PAX: Futon, Snooki, YHC (Globetrotter)

Despite aggressive weather deterrence and the kind of cold that makes an Arizona man question his life choices, three brave HIMs emerged from their fart sacks for a global expedition of questionable judgment. YHC, still biologically calibrated for desert mornings and sensible sunshine, was reminded that east coast “cold” hits different. Futon and Snooki, however, showed no fear—either from the temperature or from whatever playlist was about to drop.

The Thang:

Globetrotter’s World Tour of Pain—a musical passport stamp tour featuring international beats and F3 classics, because if you’re going to suffer, you might as well do it rhythmically.

Stations rotated through various “countries,” with exercises inspired by allegedly traveled destinations that he could neither confirm nor deny Standard F3 movements were upgraded with Cindy’s for extra cultural enrichment. At one point, Snooki demonstrated the structural limits of government-issued concrete by breaking a cinder block, forcing an equipment swap mid-beatdown. OSHA was not notified.

Exercises included a mix of merkins, squats, carries, lunges, and other globally recognized movements of pain with Savannah Sprints between sets. Music selection was loud, questionable, and fully committed to the theme—no passports required, just grit.

Cold conditions ensured proper form through involuntary muscle tension. YHC remained vocal about the temperature in an attempt to manifest warmth through complaining. It did not work.

COT / BTTF:

• Counterama: 3
• Namerama
• Announcements
• Prayer
• Choclateria (hot chocolate as YHC doesn’t drink coffee)

Naked Moleskin:

• Futon and Snooki get full credit for showing up when logic suggested staying home.
• Snooki’s cinder block did not survive the workout, but Snooki did—next block lived to see another day.
• Turns out international pain feels the same no matter the country.
• Virginia cold remains disrespectful, especially to Arizona imports.
• World Tour completed. No refunds. No souvenirs. Just soreness.