Author: Jon Gurule

Six men showed up in the gloom with no coupons in sight… just bows, arrows (tipped with lighted chem sticks), and a bad feeling about where this was headed.

We opened with a strategically slow mosey (Excel already managing energy output), followed by stretching and what may have been the most important evolution of the morning:

The Archery Disclaimer & Safety Briefing

“Range is hot.”

“Range is cold.”

“Don’t shoot each other.”

“Yell “fore” before shooting each other”. 

• Gotham nodded like he’d heard this before.
• Snooki looked concerned.
• Trespass was already scanning for shortcuts.
• Futon was wondering where he could take a nap at.

The  beat down Begins:

PAX split into 3 teams of 2 and launched the first volley of arrows lighting up the AO — glow sticks streaking across the sky like tracer rounds.

From there:

• Sprint to your arrow
• 3 burpees at impact
• Regroup
• Shoot again until target is hit

1st team  to hit the target 

-1 burpee

2nd team (AKA – 1st place losers) to hit the target:

-3 burpees

3rd team to hit the target

-5 burpees (sucks to lose)

Winners called out the next target. Rinse and repeat. 

Notable Events (aka the highlight reel)

• Trespass attempted a “tactical shortcut”… and successfully navigated his team directly into the woods and temporarily off-grid
• One team (names withheld to protect the guilty… looking at you, Snooki ) struggled with the basic concept of how to shoot a bow and arrow
• Excel stayed methodical, likely tracking all his misses in a mental spreadsheet
• Gotham operated like a man who’s seen worse — calm, steady, and mildly disappointed in the rest of us
• The younger PAX applied pressure early and often, proving once again that youth + cardio = bad news for the rest of us
• Multiple allegations of intentional targeting were raised, but there were no confirmed hits. Although there were several suspiciously close “near-misses.”

We’ll call it controlled chaos. 

What We Learned:

• Accuracy saves burpees
• Shortcuts lead to the woods
• Not everyone earned an archery merit badge
• Glow sticks make bad shots easier to track
• Brotherhood > accuracy

Takeaway:

This wasn’t about perfect shots or clean wins. It was about showing up, doing something different, and pushing each other through a workout none of us will forget (mostly because we were all grown men running all around the AO like a bunch of little school kids literally chasing something shiny. 

Most AO’s do a beat down at 0530. This week the Woodshed prepared for the zombie apocalypse with a stupid amount of burpees thrown in for good measure. 

Closed with countorama, nameorama, announcements and prayer. 

Cold Exposure Edition (Apparently This Is Virginia)

PAX: Futon, Snooki, YHC (Globetrotter)

Despite aggressive weather deterrence and the kind of cold that makes an Arizona man question his life choices, three brave HIMs emerged from their fart sacks for a global expedition of questionable judgment. YHC, still biologically calibrated for desert mornings and sensible sunshine, was reminded that east coast “cold” hits different. Futon and Snooki, however, showed no fear—either from the temperature or from whatever playlist was about to drop.

The Thang:

Globetrotter’s World Tour of Pain—a musical passport stamp tour featuring international beats and F3 classics, because if you’re going to suffer, you might as well do it rhythmically.

Stations rotated through various “countries,” with exercises inspired by allegedly traveled destinations that he could neither confirm nor deny Standard F3 movements were upgraded with Cindy’s for extra cultural enrichment. At one point, Snooki demonstrated the structural limits of government-issued concrete by breaking a cinder block, forcing an equipment swap mid-beatdown. OSHA was not notified.

Exercises included a mix of merkins, squats, carries, lunges, and other globally recognized movements of pain with Savannah Sprints between sets. Music selection was loud, questionable, and fully committed to the theme—no passports required, just grit.

Cold conditions ensured proper form through involuntary muscle tension. YHC remained vocal about the temperature in an attempt to manifest warmth through complaining. It did not work.

COT / BTTF:

• Counterama: 3
• Namerama
• Announcements
• Prayer
• Choclateria (hot chocolate as YHC doesn’t drink coffee)

Naked Moleskin:

• Futon and Snooki get full credit for showing up when logic suggested staying home.
• Snooki’s cinder block did not survive the workout, but Snooki did—next block lived to see another day.
• Turns out international pain feels the same no matter the country.
• Virginia cold remains disrespectful, especially to Arizona imports.
• World Tour completed. No refunds. No souvenirs. Just soreness.