Author: Whitesnake

  • The Hoe’s of Westhoe

    This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental

    Scene: Secret meeting of the wives and girlfriends

    Mrs. Handshake: Welcome to everyone.  I am excited to learn more about you and today’s workout.

    Mrs. Whitesnake: I wonder if Whitesnake had a good workout with Asswhipe and Bloodysnot?

    Ms. Hutton: Don’t forget Dipshit and Atomicwedgie. 

    Mrs. Lighthouse: Ha!  I also don’t think they know what a merkin is.

    Mrs. Offshore: I am just hoping they continue to keep their bromance to themselves.

    Ms. Bumble/Horneydo: Nice to meet you all. What are you talking about. And by the way, I’m exhausted after all those Fs.  So is Horneydo, that’s why he missed.

    Mrs. Whitesnake: I heard they had eight people. Is that as big as it gets?

    Mr. Attila: That’s what she said.

    Mrs. Whitesnake: Yes, I did.  How do I know if it is big?

    Senorita Frog: Ask Handshake’s Mom.

    Handshake’s Mom: No comment.

    Mrs. Handshake: He likes calling himself a Clydesdale but that’s far from the truth.

    Mrs. Offshore: Let’s focus on what they claim they did this morning.

    Mrs. Whitesnake: I am sure they started with some warmup of jumping jacks and situps but with dumb names so they think they are cool.

    Mrs. Pigskin: The only thing I ever hear at home is how my husband kicks all your guy’s butts.

    (everyone else nods their heads)

    Mrs. Whitesnake: Speaking of Pigskin, there is a football field there.  My guess is they ran up and down the field doing some sort of exercise.

    Mrs. Lighthouse: I did hear a complaint about a double quarter pounder?  Could that be an exercise or just the E Coli?

    Ms. Bumble: Did someone say something about being pounded?

    Mrs. Handshake: Ask your mom.

    Ms. Bumble: huh?

    Ms. Hutton: At some point, I think there will be a hill and burpees involved.  But only after Crustyshorts and Shart finish getting pounded.

    Mrs. Shart: What?

    Mrs. Handshake: I am guessing this is when Handshake starts complaining loudly.

    Mrs. Offshore:  Probably but its hard when you are sore

    Mrs. Attila: That’s what she said

    Scene.

    Prayers for Faceplant’s wife, Fireman Ed, Fudd’s sister and all their families and the medical staffs involved.

    Thanks for joining me during my birthday week.

  • Whitesnake’s Birthday Week Conversation

    Whitesnake’s Birthday Week Conversation

    Curt Autry: After a long summer, fall has hit Central Virginia, and soon it will be Halloween.  With it will come MILLIONS of fall time tourists. Here with some tips on what they should check out, is our Richmond correspondent — Whitesnake!  Whitesnake, what are some places folks should check out if they’re looking for a Fall outing?

    Whitesnake: If you are looking to fall for something on Monday, I know the place for you, The Deep. Opened in 1849 by Zebedee Fist, it has become super spooky.  It has scared away everyone who lives near the AO, all Southsiders and the Gypsies.  This Strange place has everything: darkness, trip hazards, the Hairy Nuckol, every normal person from Goochland, a group of Tomatoes who won’t give their names to Gomer and a haunted farmhouse.

    Curt Autry: maybe we should try to think a little more family-oriented, you know?

    Whitesnake: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Yessssss! I know just the place for you. Richmond’s hottest club is [ deep-voiced ] Heartbreak Ridge! Hosted by Horneydo on Tuesday’s, this place has everything: stories about the one guy having sex, a worthless exercise whether we do it normal or reverse, and a lifetime supply of Jergens. And if that’s not enough, you can get surprised on the dance floor by Bi-swampy Seniors.

    Curt Autry: What’s a Bi-swampy Senior?

    Whitesnake: It’s that thing when Senior Frog either sprints out of the darkness to the start of the AO or sounds like he is dying.

    Curt Autry: Let’s get back on track. I think a lot of people are in the area for the leaves and they might be looking for something a little different.

    Whitesnake: Got it.  If leaving is what they want, the hottest club you never stay at is WaThoHuk!  Named for the hero Jim Thorpe, this Wednesday-only club has everything: an old man wandering around the school looking for dip, runners with no lights playing Frogger, an out of town guest who had no idea running is involved, and everyone’s hottest couple Benedict & Arnold.

    Curt Autry: I don’t know them, can you introduce me?

    Whitesnake: That is hard to do, as they only show up once every two months unannounced and run past the group in the middle of the workout.

    Curt Autry: I think the club you are describing might not be for everybody. What about this upcoming Thursday on Halloween, is there anything more friendly sounding?

    Whitesnake: Of course, if you are looking for a friendly place to stick that metal object you’ve been hiding in the house, Circus Maximus is the club for you. Discovered by a walking and talking wet fart, this hidden gem gives new meaning to the question: Should I murder Gomer for inviting me to F3? Featuring the 3rd Annual Heavy Metal Kettle this Halloween, this hotspot has matching merkins for your head or balls, every 80’s singer named Stephen or Steven, and Offshore’s hit song “Hot for Coffee”. And when you want to take a break from dancing, it has super tall benches that make you wish for a cigarette and someone small you can step on.

    Curt Autry: Whitesnake, I know Richmond has changed a lot but there’s gotta be a few upscale places for people to check out.

    Whitesnake:  If you are looking for an upscale place on Friday, the hottest morning club in town is Currahee! This place has everything: cul-de-sacs, roads that all look the same, a park that’s too dark to run, a triple enforced fence in case someone runs into it, and if you’re lucky, the stars from the hit movie “Lost Boys”!  Wait is that Kiefer Sutherland I see? Nope, but when Honeydo and I run together and get yelled at by some old lady, we pick a direction and don’t stop until we have run at least an hour.

    Curt Autry: I still don’t think we’ve found the right place for me, can you find us something on Saturday for Dads?

    Whitesnake: I got the perfect place for you–Gridiron!  Located in an abandoned softball complex, this was the original AO and finally answers the question: Do we have to? This place has everything: the constant noise of paddles hitting something sweaty, Attila’s big beast, shots of Scotch, Johnsonville making you drink out of a puddle, and some Saturday’s, Pigskin’s entire family.  While there is no bouncer, don’t mess with the gentle looking guy named Chum Bucket.

    Curt Autry:Now, I know that you have tried your best, Whitesnake, and I just want to thank you for sharing those Halloween and fall tips, buddy.  I hope to explore some of these with you.

    Whitensnake: Yey me!!

  • Tiktok Trend Setters

    With no White Deer or Pigskin, this group of nine young hipsters decided to create a new trend by focusing of what Gomer called “well sculpted butts”

    No one admitted to having Tiktok but the following workout is now super popular on Snapface:

    Start with warmups of SSH, Ukrainian Soldiers, Copperhead Squats, Arm Circles, Helicopters, LBCs, 5 Burpees when the runner ignore our greeting and then Merkins.

    Then we moved to three sets of each the following eight kettlebell exercises: 10 Squats (first two sets holding rack position, 3rd sumo), 20 High Pulls, 10 Romanian Deadlifts, 20 Swings, 10 Clean + Press per side, 10 Renegade Rows per side, 10 steps up per leg and 20 dips (no bell). We also did a bus loop lap after finishing sets of two exercises (3 laps total).

    During these exercises, Attila posted on AssChat. He has no followers.

    We had 5 minutes of Mary left. Started with 5 more burpees. Then we did some Flutters holding up the bell, APDs, Bridge position presses, LBCs and ended with American Hammers with the bell.

    Announcements: Heavy Metal Kettle in two weeks! Also, Offshore is finalizing the Circus strategic plan (shirt order details coming soon!)

    Prayers for Fireman Ed and for Fudd’s sister Mary. Attila took us out.

    We then enjoyed coffee prepared by the always popular trending barista Offshore. Just don’t check his friends ranking on MySpace. You are not on it. Great to have Probation and Gomer join the crew. Probation spent most of the morning taking videos of his muscles while Gomer wished for tighter clothes. All of this would blow up on Tiktok if we posted but we decided not to mess with the Circus Maximus vibe. Plus we mostly don’t know what we are talking about. #Gomerlikestightbutts #plasticinmynutz #Attilasplatter #mot-dièse.

    Please Like & Subscribe!!

  • Eight Stirrups Deep

    Eight was enough this morning at the Deep. We ventured north to Green Gate and according to the lady in the mural, we did the following:

    Moseyed to the front of the first office building and circled up at the circle for some warmups of SSH, DQ, UW, Helicopters, arm circles, merkins and lbcs.

    Partnered up in the well lit parking lot for a mini-Dora of 50 merkins, 100 squats and 150 WWII. We then celebrated Indigenous Peoples Day with a run weaving around the parking lot until we caught up with Gomer at the unlit Stranges lot.

    We then did a Strange parking lot routine of bear crawling 2 spaces and then 5 merkins and repeated 5-6 times.
    Now find a new partner to mix running to the front entrance and back with misc exercises to help us focus on the stars and this beautiful morning: heals to heaven, American hammers, reverse crunches, lbcs and the holding your feet 6 inches (3x Attila’s junk) off the ground.
    We then did another tribute to Indigenous People with a run to the end of the lot with the man in the back doing 2 burpees before catching up. That did not work so well as we got to the end and three of us had to do burpees to catch up.

    Crossing the street we took a visit to the Women’s Center. We started with the low stirrups and did Hello Dollies in cadence and then got into the high stirrups with Rosalitas in cadence. After Gomer shouted “what are you putting up there!”, we got up, faced the road and did 20 Monkey Humpers OYO. Probably best to avoid this lot for a couple weeks…

    We headed back to the school and did 11s on the hill (aka the Hairy Nuckol) of HRMs and Heals to Heaven. Went a minute over but got a nice tour in and never lost Gomer.

    Prayers for Fudd’s sister and family and for Fireman Ed.

    Thanks for letting me lead.

    And I’ve made up my mind
    I ain’t wasting no more time

  • I used to jog…

    Three of the best that F3 has to offer came out to Kindred Spirit Satellite to watch Richmond’s newest sensations, Left of July and Here Comes Your Band. They each brought family and seemed to enjoy themselves. Polly also auditioned as roadie (your hired!).

    And while I realize this was not really at the Rock and Roll AO, rock and roll has no rules!

    “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”

    Dave Lee Roth of Van Halen – 1979

  • Raintree Lake and a Joke

    A rabbi and a priest went for a walk in the park, and strolled by a large lake. Suddenly the rabbi said: “Let’s go in and do some ‘baptism’, the water looks really clear!” “But we don’t have swimsuits” the priest told him. “So what?” replied the rabbi, “Let’s go into the water as God created us.” The priest thought for a moment and then agreed with him. They took off their clothes, laid them on a piece of grass at the edge of the lake and went in for a short dip. After a few minutes they left the lake and walked back towards the place where they had put the clothes. Suddenly the two noticed a small group of people staring right at them. Embarrassed, the priest tried to cover his shame with his hands. He looked to the side and discovered that the rabbi was covering his face with his hands. “What are you doing?!?” hissed the priest, “cover your privates!” “I don’t know how it goes in YOUR congregation.” Said the Rabbi, “but my people recognize me by my face!”

    Seven us ran to the same lake and found a way back to the flag with our clothes on. Total of 4.9 miles was the long route. Blue Moon did the Pigskin Special, without Pigskin = laps around the school with merkins and dips each lap.

    Half us met at Dunkin’ after.

    We all know about lunch on Tuesday at Firehouse Subs in Innsbrook. And everyone can’t wait to see my band on 10/12 from 6-9PM at the Kindred Spirit Satellite near the Diamond.

    I am still working on a catchphrase to close my backblasts. Maybe something from, “I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane! Everybody strap in! I’m about to open some fuckin’ windows.” or from Beavis: “Butt-head, this book kicks! There’s a talking snake, and a naked chick, and the this dude puts a leaf on his schlong.” I think the winner may be “Take your filthy hands off my asp”.

  • Don’t worry, we will be gentle with you

    A beautiful morning at WTH, the best 5:30am Wednesday workout in Westhoe. According to all the ATM machines we ran by, we did something like the following:

    Ran to the Wells Fargo at Pump and Three Chopt. Did some warmups in the parking lot that I was able to block off with cones and some ride from the State Fair. We then ran to the parking lot off Westgate for 11s of merkins and jump squats. We needed help counting and having German on one end and Spanish on the other did not do the trick.

    We then headed to Flo’s parking lot and did touch a light pole with decending burpees starting at 5.

    Running late, we headed back behind the Dunkin, through the Truist and Publix lot and cut through the dark park trail. Pinto did not need his rape whistle.

    We got back to the Flag late and after 3.8 miles.

    Lunch next Tuesday at Fireman Ed’s sub place.

    Prayers for Mary and Fudd.

    Thanks for letting me lead. Have a great Wednesday!

  • No More Mr. Nice Guy

    Today was (Alice) Cooper day. I warned the Pax that today would suck and I delivered! School is no longer Out for Summer which means cooler weather which was welcomed.

    We first ran to the Gazebo and did warmups of IW, Ukrainian Soldiers, DQ, LBCs and Merkins. Then we ran past the Golf Galaxy and deep into the bowels of the newest West Broad Village development. As if we were Caught in a Dream.

    Here is where we did a running version of the Cooper-Welcome to My Nightmare: 10 Burpees, 10 Squats, 10 Merkins and then a lap around a large parking median. Then 9s, then 8s, etc. Lighthouse let me have it with the Poison Burpees: “Your cruel device, Your blood like ice, One look could kill, My pain, your thrill”

    We finished the 55 Burpees, 55 Squats and 55 Merkins and headed back to the Gazebo.

    We still had time to further Feed my Frankenstein so we then did 3 sets of 20 Dips at the Gazebo and then headed back to the Flag. Mileage was a little short (Pinto shouted “Hey Stoopid!”) so we ran the bus loop two times to get over 3 miles.

    Good to see Brick Back, (the Man Behind the Mask). Also great to hear Pigskin discuss what 71 feels like:

    “Lines form on my face and my hands
    Lines form on the left and right
    I’m in the middle
    The middle of life
    I’m a boy and I’m a man
    I’m (mentally) eighteen and I like it”

    X Anniversary coming up. Reach out to a Pax you have not seen in a while and get them to Dogpile 7AM on 9/21.

  • The Deep from start to finish

    I never thought “The Deep” would refer to the pre-AO pile made near a tree or the trouble Handshake’s shorts were in during the 5 minutes of Mary.

    Between the two events, ten warriors helped kick off the new AO on a beautiful cool Monday morning. We met in the front lot and then moseyed to the bus loop. We did half a lap and then circled up in the middle to the loop. After the typical “the grass is wet” bitching, we warmed up with SSH, Ukrainian Soldiers, IW, Copperhead Squats, Helicopters and then we got on our six and then got up again (groans) and moseyed to your mom’s favorite part: lots of thick polls. We had fun with poll smokers while the first smoker did bear crawls past the next nine smokers. There were enough polls for everyone to do bear crawls twice. That was fun?

    We then ran past the front of the school to the far corner and did 11’s on the hill: HRM and Jump squats, starting with ten HRM at the bottom and then jump squats at the sidewalk at the end of the hill. There is a small obstacle in the middle of the hill that we learned to run around.

    It was then time for a history lesson. We ran past the front of the school, took a left on Gayton Hills and found the original Nuckols Farm site. Formerly known as Locust Grove, the property was home to the Nuckols family from 1849 to 1972. While surrounded by newer neighborhoods, the county has made this a protected park. Hard to see it all in the darkness but we explored it with a triple check of WWII, Burpees and touch a tree. While the grass had some dips and branches, we all survived.

    We then moseyed back to the flag for 5 minutes of Mary: flutters, freddies, lbcs, hammers and crunchy frogs. Handshake then sprinted to his car which added to the 1.7 miles of territory we covered this morning.

    Thanks for coming out for the first 5:30AM workout at the Deep. Hope to see you again in the future.

    Announcements:

    10 year on 20th/21st. Events Friday night (Snuffs) and Saturday. See slack for details.

    Breaking Bread has an opening this month. Talk to Oyster to help out.

    Tomorrow 9/10, lunch at Fireman Ed’s (Firehouse Subs). A Jets victory night will make Fireman Ed happier than he was after the Spiders football no-show on Saturday.

    Heist is leading at the Bridge this weekend. 6AM clown car at the Westchester Commons Wawa. Reach out to him if you can make it.

  • Blame Splinter

    Blame Splinter

    On my 3rd year anniversary, I took the start to Splinter’s Q from Labor Day 2021 and gave these 55 great men and 2.0s the same experience.  We also had one FNG today (Mountie) and hopefully he makes it back like I did.

    We first moseyed to the back playground lot to start the morning.  After some poor disclaimers and then with the Q help of Heist and Tater, we warmed up with something like the following: 20 SSH in Cadence and then one Burpee OYO, 10 Imperial Walkers in Cadence and two Burpees OYO and continued all the way to ten Burpees OYO with 10 Ukrainian Solders and three Burpees, 10 Copperhead Squats and four Burpees, 10 Merkins and five Burpees, 15 Arm Circles and six Burpees, 25 LBC and seven Burpees, 10 WWII and eight Burpees,10 Freddies and nine Burpees and Dead Man Hang and ten Burpees.

    Many were ready for the Q to rotate but instead we partnered up and did a DORA of 100 HRM, 200 Squats and 300 LBCs, running the short length of the playground lot.  This was the end of the “Blame Splinter” section.

    After that we broke up into 3 groups.  Tater took his group to a fun hill on the West side of the school with an Ab focused workout.  Started with 25 Crunchy Frogs, 25 Freddie Mercury, 25 Mercury Freddies and 25 WWII.  Then did 7s of Get Up and Squats using the hill.  They finished with 25 side crunches each side, 20 V ups, 25 American Hammers and some stretching.

    Heist stayed at the playground lot.  They started with 11s using the hill next to the playground with Squats and WW2 with Bear Crawls up the hill and jogging down.  Then he found the pullup bars and benches and did a Triple check of Pullups, Dips and Timer fan to the middle of the soccer field and back.  They finished off with 4 corners prostitute style with 10 ww2, 20 merkins, 30 squats and 40 SSH.

    My lucky group went to the bus loop.  We started with a triple check of jump squats, merkins and the timer running to the end of the school and back.  When then did 4 corners around the school.  Started with 20 Flutters and then Bernie’d to the end of the school.  There we did 20 WII and then ran to the top of the hill at the other end of the school.  Here we did 20 Crunchy Frogs and then did some more when the walkers arrived.  Forgetting to get my phone from my car, we ran back to my car (to the joy and confusion of many) and then ran to the last corner of the school.  We took 3 trips up the hill (same hill used by Heist) via Bear Crawl and Crawl Bear back then ran or bear crawled the fourth time to be back on the playground lot.

    We joined in with Heists Four Corners for the 40 SSH, Tater’s group came flying in and soon we were all back together for some Mary.  We did some combination of American Hammers, LBCs, WWI, Flutters and who knows what else.  Numerama and Names, then I almost skipped Announcements, and Attila took us out.

    FNG Mountie used to work with Gomer and they reconnected recently.  He is from Canada (as you may guess) and lives nearby at West Broad Village.  Welcome Mountie!

    It was an honor to lead this morning.  Big thanks to Gomer for the invitation 3 years ago and to Splinter for unsuccessfully trying to kill me that day.  F3 has been a blessing mainly because I have been able to meet and get to know many of you.  Coffeteria today was great as always.

    What a fantastic way to christen The Deep which will be at Nuckols Farm every Monday at 5:30AM. Please help us get this rolling and join in over the next month.  Next week we will be two Nuckols at the Deep.

    F3 RVA Ten Year Anniversary celebration starts the evening of the 20th social with the 21st having a Convergence, Awards and a Family BBQ.  See Slack for all the details and signups.  Also, see Bodo’s Slack post on a 5K-The Lara Teague Curry Memorial.

    Have a great rest of your long weekend.