Curt Autry: After a long summer, fall has hit Central Virginia, and soon it will be Halloween. With it will come MILLIONS of fall time tourists. Here with some tips on what they should check out, is our Richmond correspondent — Whitesnake! Whitesnake, what are some places folks should check out if they’re looking for a Fall outing?
Whitesnake: If you are looking to fall for something on Monday, I know the place for you, The Deep. Opened in 1849 by Zebedee Fist, it has become super spooky. It has scared away everyone who lives near the AO, all Southsiders and the Gypsies. This Strange place has everything: darkness, trip hazards, the Hairy Nuckol, every normal person from Goochland, a group of Tomatoes who won’t give their names to Gomer and a haunted farmhouse.
Curt Autry: maybe we should try to think a little more family-oriented, you know?
Whitesnake: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Yessssss! I know just the place for you. Richmond’s hottest club is [ deep-voiced ] Heartbreak Ridge! Hosted by Horneydo on Tuesday’s, this place has everything: stories about the one guy having sex, a worthless exercise whether we do it normal or reverse, and a lifetime supply of Jergens. And if that’s not enough, you can get surprised on the dance floor by Bi-swampy Seniors.
Curt Autry: What’s a Bi-swampy Senior?
Whitesnake: It’s that thing when Senior Frog either sprints out of the darkness to the start of the AO or sounds like he is dying.
Curt Autry: Let’s get back on track. I think a lot of people are in the area for the leaves and they might be looking for something a little different.
Whitesnake: Got it. If leaving is what they want, the hottest club you never stay at is WaThoHuk! Named for the hero Jim Thorpe, this Wednesday-only club has everything: an old man wandering around the school looking for dip, runners with no lights playing Frogger, an out of town guest who had no idea running is involved, and everyone’s hottest couple Benedict & Arnold.
Curt Autry: I don’t know them, can you introduce me?
Whitesnake: That is hard to do, as they only show up once every two months unannounced and run past the group in the middle of the workout.
Curt Autry: I think the club you are describing might not be for everybody. What about this upcoming Thursday on Halloween, is there anything more friendly sounding?
Whitesnake: Of course, if you are looking for a friendly place to stick that metal object you’ve been hiding in the house, Circus Maximus is the club for you. Discovered by a walking and talking wet fart, this hidden gem gives new meaning to the question: Should I murder Gomer for inviting me to F3? Featuring the 3rd Annual Heavy Metal Kettle this Halloween, this hotspot has matching merkins for your head or balls, every 80’s singer named Stephen or Steven, and Offshore’s hit song “Hot for Coffee”. And when you want to take a break from dancing, it has super tall benches that make you wish for a cigarette and someone small you can step on.
Curt Autry: Whitesnake, I know Richmond has changed a lot but there’s gotta be a few upscale places for people to check out.
Whitesnake: If you are looking for an upscale place on Friday, the hottest morning club in town is Currahee! This place has everything: cul-de-sacs, roads that all look the same, a park that’s too dark to run, a triple enforced fence in case someone runs into it, and if you’re lucky, the stars from the hit movie “Lost Boys”! Wait is that Kiefer Sutherland I see? Nope, but when Honeydo and I run together and get yelled at by some old lady, we pick a direction and don’t stop until we have run at least an hour.
Curt Autry: I still don’t think we’ve found the right place for me, can you find us something on Saturday for Dads?
Whitesnake: I got the perfect place for you–Gridiron! Located in an abandoned softball complex, this was the original AO and finally answers the question: Do we have to? This place has everything: the constant noise of paddles hitting something sweaty, Attila’s big beast, shots of Scotch, Johnsonville making you drink out of a puddle, and some Saturday’s, Pigskin’s entire family. While there is no bouncer, don’t mess with the gentle looking guy named Chum Bucket.
Curt Autry:Now, I know that you have tried your best, Whitesnake, and I just want to thank you for sharing those Halloween and fall tips, buddy. I hope to explore some of these with you.
Whitensnake: Yey me!!
