A record 17 for the regular Thursday Circus Maximus AO including Tippecanoe!
The story of Festivus: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my daughter. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way. What happened to the doll? It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born. A Festivus for the rest of us.
Before I went over the 5 key to Festivus, we did some warmups in honor of my favorite Seinfeld episode that featured opposite George. Because if every instinct I have is wrong, the opposite would have to be right. We did some reverse arm circles (10 big then 5 small), then some forward, then we put our arms all the way up and our legs together to start some opposite SSH. Some gravitated to normal SSH, White Deer did his normal weird ones and Chum was just lost. I think it broke him. We also did some other warmups including Ukrainian Soldiers, Flutters and Merkins.
We reviewed as a group the 5 principles of Festivus. 1) There is an aluminum pole with no decorations (I find tinsel distracting). The pole was proudly displayed on the sidewalk. It’s made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio. 2) It begins with the airing of grievances 3) Their is a meal 4) It ends with the Feats of Strength and 5) Be on the lookout for a Festivus miracle(s).
The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with some exercises and now you’re gonna hear about it. We went around the circle and announced what exercise we had a problem with and then we all did 20 of such exercise. The Pax had problems with Sit and Presses (twice), Squats (twice), Pulse Squats, Burpees (10 reps, not 20), Swings, A lap around the bus loop, Waiter carry, Clean & Press, Russian Twists, Lawnmower pulls, Halos, Pull throughs (twice in a row, thanks Mr. Rogers), One legged deadlifts and a few others. 280 reps, 10 burpees, one lap and a waiter carry for a long walk and the grievances were complete.
We had a little time for the Contest. The first contest was for me to explain the game Odds and Evens. Some Pax never heard of it, some knew but pretended not to understand just to hear me explain it poorly thrice times and others did not care. You should’ve seen the look on Handshake’s face! It was the same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist. We then partnered up, played odds and evens (2 out of 3) and the winner did curls while the loser ran to the end of the lot and did 5 burpees. We did three rounds. The Pax was angry after that, my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.
All right, everyone. It’s time for the Festivus feats of strength. Each member would duck walk with hands behind our back and try to knock over each Pax. Using your hands is illegal and you must stay inbounds. Last man “standing” wins. Let’s rumble!! Some opted out and then chaos and cheating ensued. Fudd was the last duck standing and is the 2024 champ. I am making a donation to the Human Fund on Fudd’s behalf! Chum, getting dumped on his face during the feats of strength, ended up crying.
We then circled up for some Mary. We did Presses, LBCs & Flutters with the Bell.
After circling up for prayer, we had coffee and for the Festivus meal I brought some black & white cookies (see, the key to eating a black-and-white cookie is you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow, racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie… all our problems would be solved) and chocolate eclairs that were from the top of the trash, above the rim, on a magazine and still had the dolly on!
Chum, whether still confused by the SSH or from taking the biggest fall, was not feeling well:
Chum: I don’t feel so good.
Pax: What’s wrong?
Chum: My stomach. I think it was that cookie.
Gypsy: The black-and-white?
Chum: Yeah.
Gomer: Not getting along?
Chum: I think I got David Duke and Farrakhan down there.
Seymore: Well, if we can’t look to the cookie, where can we look?
Chum: Oh, my stomach! I feel like I’m gonna throw up!
White Deer: Wait. What about your vomit streak?
Chum: I know! I haven’t thrown up since June 29, 1980!
Another Festivus in the books. Until next year when I am allowed to use the word “Annual”…
