Eight men showed up in the gloom for what was advertised as another Globetrotter world famous workout. As least a couple of pax showed up just out of morbid curiosity.
Before beginning, the PAX were given a choice:
Option A: Cardio
Option B: Strength
Gotham immediately led the charge for strength, proving once again that democracy only works when everyone votes for what Gotham wants.
After a slow mosey and warm-up, the PAX were introduced to what may or may not have been the baddest workout on the planet.
A brief history lesson followed.
At his peak, Iron Mike’s daily workouts included:
- 2,000 squats
- 2,500 sit-ups
- 500 Tyson pushups
- 500 shrugs
- 3-5 miles of running
- Neck work (bridges front and back)
- More training than most of us do in a month
The goal was simple:
Take Tyson’s insanity and scale it down to something that wouldn’t require EMS.
We started with group leg work for a total of 2,000 reps. Tyson did squats. We modified to any leg exercise because we’re not Mike Tyson and because several PAX enjoy walking without assistance the next day.
After each round we took a slow mosey while Tyson quotes were read aloud during the mosey’s.
The Pax favorite:
“Social media made y’all way too comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the face for it.”
Honorable mentions:
Break the body. Harden the mind.
“Discipline is doing what you hate to do… but doing it like you love it.”
“Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.”
“Protect yourself at all times.”
“The harder I work, the luckier I get.”
“Fear is your best friend or your worst enemy.”
“I train every day like someone’s trying to take it away from me.”
“I’m the best ever. I’m the most brutal and vicious.”
“Temptation for greatness is the biggest drug in the world.”
“You have to be prepared to die before you can be prepared to live.”
“Greatness is not guarding yourself from the people. Greatness is being accepted by the people.”
“Everyone you fight is not your enemy, and everyone who helps you is not your friend.”
“Social media made y’all way too comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the face for it.”
“A champion is someone who gets up when he can’t.”
“When you have something in life that you want to accomplish greatly, you have to be willing to give up your happiness.”
“I just want to conquer people and their souls.”
“I don’t react to a tragic situation. I respond to it.”
“Confidence breeds success and success breeds confidence.”
“You never lose until you actually give up.”
“Every punch starts with your feet.”
“Champions aren’t made in gyms. Champions are made from something deep inside them.
Back to the circle, it was time for 2,500 sit-ups. Knowing the ground was wet, the Q thoughtfully provided workout mats for the PAX. Most Pax appreciated the gesture, but Nancy Lopez, accused the Q of making the workout soft. The Q explained that, being from Arizona, he wasn’t entirely sure what the wet stuff on the ground was, whether it was poisonous, or if prolonged exposure would require a tetanus shot – hence the mats. Nancy Lopez remained unconvinced.
The workout continued with 500 Tyson Merkins.
The PAX chipped away at all the reps while a carefully curated Tyson playlist blasted in the background, making everyone feel slightly tougher than they actually were.
Just when everyone thought we were done, Tyson’s secret weapon appeared:
Neck Work.
The PAX rolled onto their six and attempted to hold their heads off the deck for two minutes.Two. Entire. Minutes. It turns out neck training is significantly harder than it sounds, especially for PAX carrying oversized craniums. Several men began questioning life choices. Others began negotiating with gravity.
Fortunately, Tyson’s famous shrug workout never materialized, allowing everyone to survive another day.
What We Learned
- Gotham can influence elections.
- Nancy Lopez considers comfort a character flaw.
- Arizona residents remain suspicious of moisture.
- Mike Tyson was either superhuman or completely insane.
- Neck muscles exist and can absolutely ruin your day.
- The social media quote still hits.
Most workouts end with tired legs.
This one ended with tired legs, tired abs, tired arms, and a newfound appreciation for Iron Mike’s level of crazy.
Closed with Countorama, Nameorama, announcements, and prayer requests.
