Four brave souls — Hermey, Futon, Nancy Lopez and Globetrotter — departed New Market together for the morning’s festivities and met Snooki at the AO, bringing our total to five.
We began innocently enough with some stretching, Motivators, Nancy Kerrigans and Apolo Ohnos.
For a few brief moments, this actually resembled an F3 workout. Then the frisbees came out and recess began
PAX divided into two teams and were given a very sophisticated set of instructions:
Pick something in the distance. Throw a frisbee at it. Run after it. Exercise. Repeat until somebody actually hits the target.
Targets were called throughout the general AOR and the PAX proceeded to run around like a group of unsupervised schoolchildren who had just discovered recess.
After every throw came an exercise, including (but not limited to):
● Merkins
● Carolina Dry Docks
● WWII’s
● Squats
● And whatever other punishment seemed appropriate at the time
It quickly became apparent that some PAX were considerably more gifted with a frisbee than others.
Names will be withheld to protect the guilty (and mostly because the Q can’t remember who sucked the worst.)
Frisbee Down!
A 10-burpee penalty was established for losing a frisbee. Naturally, we lost one (and a half).
Ten burpees.
Fair enough.
But then Nancy Lopez decided merely losing a frisbee lacked imagination and managed to put one down a storm drain (seriously, not sure how that’s even possible).
At this point the beatdown temporarily transitioned from F3 Fitness to F3 Public Works.
Futon and Hermey immediately took command of the recovery operation and after considerable engineering analysis, several questionable ideas and the deployment of a ratchet strap, the team managed to lift the manhole cover and successfully recover the frisbee (there are undoubtedly municipalities paying six-figure salaries for this level of expertise.)
Pax were reunited with their frisbee, the taxpayers were spared. And somehow nobody ended up underground or stuck in the drain system.
Back to the Beatdown
With all government infrastructure returned to approximately its original condition, the PAX resumed running around the AOR throwing plastic objects at things.
More running.
More terrible throws.
More exercises.
More running.
Eventually we finished with some Mary before closing with Countorama, Nameorama and prayers. A successful morning. Or so we thought.
One Final Evolution
As the PAX prepared to leave, one individual — who shall remain nameless to protect the guilty — apparently decided that the beat down had not provided Globetrotter with sufficient cardio so unnamed PAX attempted to run over the Q with his truck.
Fortunately, years of elite athletic training immediately took over and with cat-like reflexes, Globetrotter executed what witnesses will undoubtedly describe as a spectacular vertical leap into the truck, narrowly avoiding serious bodily injury.
Others may describe it differently, but their statements are unreliable. No charges or lawsuits (for severe emotional districts) have been filed as at the time of this writing.
What We Learned
● Frisbees can make grown men behave like 10-year-olds.
● Frisbee-throwing ability varies dramatically among the PAX.
● Losing a frisbee costs 10 burpees.
● Nancy Lopez can apparently hit a storm drain better than an actual target.
● Futon and Hermey are now qualified municipal utility workers.
● Ratchet straps solve most engineering problems.
● Globetrotter still has elite reflexes.
● Apparently completing the beatdown does not mean the Q is out of danger.
Five men entered. Five men survived, and all but one frisbee was ultimately accounted for.
And despite a last-minute attempt to reduce future Q availability, Globetrotter lives to Q another day.
